Santa’s Favorite BJJ Submissions

Did you know that Santa is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt? It makes sense, right? For centuries, he’s been going around the world, entering millions of strange houses. And he does it in the middle of the night – and not by the front door – when everyone is supposed to be asleep.

Of course, he runs into unexpected trouble! Maybe an unwitting parent stumbles upon the big man when addressing an urgent bladder. Maybe a disgruntled parent waits to take revenge over the lump of coal received when he/she was young. Maybe during a delivery, he arrives just as robbers were trying to score some free presents… and his cookies.   

Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick needs to protect himself! And what better way than with jiu-jitsu?

So, what are some of his favorite techniques and submissions? Read on... 

Standing Guillotine

The Standing Guillotine is a quick and dirty jiu-jitsu submission, and is a favorite of Santa.

Executed on the feet, it doesn’t require a lot of space. So, there’s no risk of upsetting tables or trampling presents, especially in a small space that’s already taken up by an oversized Christmas tree. It’s a perfect technique for a face-to-face encounter, where Santa can use his height to easily snap his attacker’s head down into the choke. His big belly is used to his advantage, driving the poor schmuck’s head into the choke. The best part? It happens so quickly that there’s no time to yell out and awaken the household.

Once his naughty friend is asleep, Santa gently lays him/her down on the couch, finishes his business, casually munches his cookie and sips his milk, and continues to the next house.

Lapel Choke from Side Control

If space allows – in a house on the swankier side of town – Santa likes to mix it up a bit. A former D-1 wrestler in his less grizzled years, he likes to stay sharp with a crisp, clean double leg takedown directly to side control. He then quickly smothers his attackers yells with the fuzzy shoulder of his suit. That’s right, as innocuous as that big, red suit appears, it’s not just for looks! 

Using his hand to free the bottom of his fur-lined jacket from his belt, he swiftly hands it off to his other hand to finish a nifty lapel choke.

Once his naughty friend is asleep, Santa gently lays him/her down on the couch, finishes his business, casually munches his cookie and sips his milk, and continues to the next house. 

Flying Triangle

Santa’s sleigh isn’t the only thing that can fly… and he’s actually quite nimble for a big, fat guy.

When he’s feeling especially froggy, Santa likes to catch some air with a flying triangle. I know what you’re thinking… wouldn’t such a move risk waking the house? As silently as his sleigh lands atop of roofs of every shape, material and state of repair, Santa can land on the ground with nary a sound. A quick adjustment and his attacker succumbs to the red velvet covered thighs of the big guy.  

Once his naughty friend is asleep, Santa gently lays him/him down on the couch, finishes his business, casually munches his cookie and sips his milk, and continues to the next house.

Imanari Roll to Heel Hook

Now, not every house demands stealth. In fact, Santa has come upon many a very, very naughty individual hoping to make off with brand new presents, which he/she will then re-sell on the black market – or Facebook marketplace – for a hefty sum.

It is at these times that Santa does not mind waking the entire household. He also likes to execute his attack with only the very coolest of techniques that the art of jiu-jitsu has to offer. Because – if you haven’t guessed it from his big, red suit - he’s a fancy guy, so he likes fancy submissions. His favorite? The Imanari Roll to heel hook.

Because he knows when you’ve been bad or good… he knows immediately when a robbery is afoot. Instead of going feet first down the chimney, he goes head first, grabs the unsuspecting thief by the ankle and spins right into ashi and an inside heel hook. Of course, the thief will scream when his/her knee blows to bits, and Santa races away, making note to return later. He does not concern himself with the robber’s story to the police… because Santa isn’t real anyway… right?

Now that you know Santa’s favorite BJJ submissions… You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why… Santa Claus is coming to town and he’s not afraid to throw down.